2019 year-end reflections

2019 has been one of the fastest years to have passed for me. And yet it has been so full of intense experiences. Ones that totally broke me down and others that helped me stand even stronger than I ever did. But the one fact that never seems to stop proving itself is, God has His reasons. For every single event. He has His perfectly outlined plans too. And I never get enough of watching them unfold.

If 2018 was about me establishing a better relationship with myself (now that I came across this and it really made me smile https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/year-end-reflections/), 2019 was all about finally letting people in. Understanding and appreciating human connections, and learning to prioritize them when needed. I’ve taken a few wrong turns this year and let some wrong people in, but I have still been blessed with the realest, sincerest, healthiest two-way relationships with some of the “rightest” ones. Alhamdulillah. It feels so good to be experiencing this after a long phase of letting my anxiety and self-doubt get in the way.

I’m so glad I’m ending 2019 with an unprecedented state of wanting to create. To write more. To connect more. To feel more. To be more. A state of tranquility and inspiration. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. I’m so proud of how I no longer belittle any of it despite how far it still is from where I really want to be.

To 2020.

I have a very good feeling about you. 🙂

Distance

Distance sucks. It totally does. And yet some sides of it tend to make it a little more bearable. When you know you won’t be able to experience being around someone for as long as you‘d like to, it changes a lot. You start noticing little things about them that you might’ve never paid attention to. You start recognizing those pieces of them you had no idea they’re the ones who had passed them on to you. You start putting your phone down a lot more, for you understand they won’t be around for long anyway. The conversations you used to have when you got to see them everyday, somehow sound a lot shallower compared to the ones you‘re now able to steal on the few occasions when no one can hear. You start wanting to look at them more. Like really look at them. Absorb their every tiny detail. So you can later paint more mental images of them whenever your heart aches. Your hugs feel different. Your bond feels stronger. Sometimes something about the distance somehow makes you fall in love with them even more.

Keep it real

I feel like the closest people to my heart aren’t always the ones who do me the most favors or offer me the best advice. They aren’t the ones who constantly tell me good things about myself or shower me with gifts either. They’re rather the people who simply choose to be real around me. Those who expose me to sides of them no one has access to. Those whose conversations are way past how they like the weather or what they enjoy having for lunch everyday. But more about the thoughts that race through their minds on their darkest days, and the parts of them they’re still unable to make peace with. With the constant current need to always seem like we have it all together all the time, I seem to appreciate rawness and imperfection even more. There isn’t a single person who happens to take me to one of those sides of them for even once, that I’m able to change anything about the place they settle in inside my heart. No matter how many other unpleasantries they might continue projecting on me as we both go through life. Because I would’ve had the chance to see them for who they really are, and very few things in life are more beautiful than that.

#TTTM Normal Doesn’t Exist

I used to think something was inherently wrong with me. Everyone around seemed to be doing just fine. All the time. But me. I got anxious over the littlest things. I sounded very awkward on every first encounter, and maybe even those that came after. I could hardly ever think of the right thing to say on most conversations. But everyone around really seemed to be just fine. Everyone was normal. I wasn’t.

Until I stopped living inside my head, for the most part.

I realized that normal, really, does not exist.

Hidden exists. Concealed exists. Unnoticed exists. Accepted, also exists.

But normal, no. It doesn’t.

As I was slowly learning to stop letting people (and myself) intimidate me, I started being able to spot very little details that I hardly paid attention to earlier. I would be talking to someone, for instance, and they’d continue avoiding eye contact all through the conversation. I would be discussing a certain something with someone else, and notice their ears turning red every time I bring the topic up. I would stand close to someone who’s known to give the best speeches, and watch their hands literally shaking every minute of them doing it. I would take selfies with a friend I’ve always thought had the most beautiful features, and have her ask me to delete them every single time. I would hear more people stutter. I would notice more faces turning red. I would have people share with me they’ve started therapy, only after I share my story with them.

And while there’s nothing wrong about any of that, it only helped me understand that not knowing about things doesn’t mean they don’t exist. As cliché as this might already sound, everyone is going through something. Literally everyone. Everyone struggles with thoughts they, themselves, might or might not be aware of. But the struggle is constantly there, it’s an essential part of life. Sometimes you’re too occupied to notice it in others. Sometimes people are very skilled at hiding it. And sometimes they are at so much peace with themselves, that it allows you to see them for who they really are despite whatever they struggle with. “Normal” (or “abnormal”, for that matter) will just never be the right word to describe any of this.

Understanding this about people is not meant to make us think differently about one another. It’s only a reminder to always be kind. To always remember that we have no idea what happens behind the scenes. To always have it in us to find excuses for everyone nonetheless. Because we’re all only humans after all.

I still get anxious over the littlest things. I still turn awkward in social settings. I still find it hard to say the right things. My face also turns red, and I sometimes have a hard time maintaining eye contact with most people. But I no longer think of any of them as flaws. It’s simply who I am; a human, after all.

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Previous posts:

1. How it all started: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-thhttps://erapy-taught-me-1/

2. Why therapy? https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-2/

3. Opening up heals: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-3/

4. The power of “it’s okay”: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/19/things-therapy-taught-me-4/

5. Feelings have names: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-5/

6. Validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-6/

7. More on validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-more-on-validation/

8. Even more on validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-even-more-on-validation/

9. Self-talk: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-self-talk/

10. Taking up space: https://www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10157586512241970&id=567726969

#TTTM Taking Up Space

One beautiful thing that’s slowly changing about me during this journey is, my current ever-growing belief that I simply deserve to take up space. Because I really do. Every human being out there truly deserves that too.

I deserve to take my time at the cashier while I look for my card or cash despite the long queue lining up after me, without feeling like I’m ruining anyone’s day. I deserve to ask for a break when the dentist messes too much with my teeth, even when I know there’s still a long list of patients having to stay. I deserve that space, because I allow it for others when they need it too. Sometimes I deserve to watch a movie at the cinema with my hands resting on the two sides of my armchair too.

I deserve to hang out with my friends and have the conversation revolving around nothing but that one thing that’s upsetting me, for as long as I need to rant. I deserve to be heard, because on similar occasions, I wholeheartedly stay attentive to other friends who deserve it too.

I deserve to wear a beautiful dress and whirl around in its bright colors everywhere I go, because it feels good to feel so pretty no matter how many people might continue to stare. I deserve to voice out the things I believe in so loud, even if not a single person seems to care. I deserve to bombard the internet with posts about my healing journey, because taking up virtual space is totally a thing too.

Everyone deserves to take up those kinds of spaces, but not everyone allows themselves to believe in the validity of that. Not everyone understands the significance of that.

It’s important to be selfless sometimes. And yet it’s so utterly terrible to have that literally turn us into self-less human beings. Ones who eventually lose their essence because of how they continue catering to everyone’s needs but their own. Ones who eventually lose the ability to express themselves because they’re no longer allowed to use up their space.

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Previous posts:

1. How it all started: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-thhttps://erapy-taught-me-1/

2. Why therapy? https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-2/

3. Opening up heals: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-3/

4. The power of “it’s okay”: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/19/things-therapy-taught-me-4/

5. Feelings have names: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-5/

6. Validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-6/

7. More on validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-more-on-validation/

8. Even more on validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-even-more-on-validation/

9. Self-talk: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-self-talk/

#TTTM Self-talk

Self-talk is, I believe, the most important aspect of a person’s relationship with themselves. The way you talk to yourself inside your head. Especially when no one is listening. It’s so scary how much self-talk can literally ruin lives. And yet it’s so beautiful how learning to take more control of it can also magnificently change worlds.

I never realized how harshly I used to talk to myself, until I said some of the words out loud during a couple of my sessions and realized how very cruel I actually sounded. I used to call myself names all the time. I used to blame myself for things I never had a say in. I used to go over every conversation. I’ve ever had. hundreds of times. in my head. just so I could spot all the parts where I went wrong. and continue condemning my entire existence because of them. It was so scary. It was so scary how I particularly made sure to choose all my kind words whenever I talked to people, but I was always rude when it came to myself. It was so scary and so very annoying how I never realized I was the one giving myself anxiety. How every thought I had about myself unconsciously influenced the way I interacted with the world. And the way I continued to see myself.

It was interesting though how it all slowly started changing as soon as I decided to pay more attention to those details. I started being able to stop myself midway on most days, and would take my time to remind myself that it’s okay to make mistakes. That it’s okay to not always say the right thing. That it’s okay to screw up sometimes. That none of that says anything about me other than the fact that I’m trying. And that there’s so much beauty in my ability to try again everyday. Even if things don’t always go the way I imagine them. Because it. really. is. oh-kay.

Now I literally cringe every time I hear someone calling themselves stupid or belittling their ideas. It kills me to realize that someone might be shaming themselves without realizing it, when they might never even dare to do anything similar to other people around them. And yet it also kills me to realize that some people are not able to forgive others because they don’t even know what it feels like to forgive their own selves.

I know it’s not easy. It’s so not easy to remember to be kind to yourself. But it’s worth putting in the effort. I still slip sometimes. I still surprise myself with thoughts that I keep thinking I already got over. But it totally warms my heart how every time I start mocking myself or blaming her now, I unexpectedly catch me lovingly referring to myself with a nickname of mine during the process. It somehow feels like there are two sides of me inside right now. One that’s extra sweet and tender, and another that got so used to being cold and heartless. And I think they both do have something to teach one another, if only I could allow them to just be. They’re both essential; it’s what you do with the things they say that makes all the difference.

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Previous posts:

1. How it all started: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-thhttps://erapy-taught-me-1/

2. Why therapy? https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-2/

3. Opening up heals: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-3/

4. The power of “it’s okay”: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/19/things-therapy-taught-me-4/

5. Feelings have names: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-5/

6. Validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-6/

7. More on validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-more-on-validation/

8. Even more on validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-even-more-on-validation/

#TTTM Even More on Validation

My favorite kind of validation is that which comes from inside. When I start feeling a certain feeling then watch myself allowing me to just feel it. Without trying to swallow it in. Without trying to rationalize things. It doesn’t come easy to me on most days. But when it does, it totally warms my insides. Nevertheless, the people in our lives still play an important role on that. I keep talking about instances where I’ve been so harshly invalidated (it makes sense; it does hurt so bad), but it’s just as important to acknowledge the existence of those other blessings God keeps sending along in the form of beautiful (validating) humans.

Rereading the words on those screenshots does something to my insides I can’t really accurately explain. The first text is from someone I had somewhat started “blaming” most of my issues on ever since I started therapy, and yet when I opened up, the response I got was just super validating. This person did not get defensive, and did not try to come up with excuses for things I might have in fact chosen to interpret in all the wrong ways inside my own head. That appreciation, and the ease with which the apology came right after (despite that none of what I said might have even sounded rational) made up for so many things. Our relationship has only been growing stronger ever since. The second text came after I had blurted out and complained about things that, for anyone watching from the outside, might sound so trivial. And yet, just having someone acknowledge that it’s okay to let them get to me, helped ease their pain. The last three texts sound particularly special because they’re totally free of any assumptions/questions. They could’ve said it didn’t make sense for me to be this anxious. They could’ve wondered why it was taking me all that time to get over things they can instantly let go of. They could’ve tried to make me feel better. But they didn’t. They simply allowed (and reminded) me to feel the things I felt. To just be. And it made all the difference in the world.

The reason I’m sharing all this is because we often tend to feel paralyzed whenever someone lets us in on any of their heavy thoughts, or whenever someone close goes through tough times. We often feel stuck. Unable to help. I feel it too. All the time. But whenever I’m on the other side, I realize that all what it can really take is a simple “I’m sorry you have to go through this!”. Sometimes it’s all what a person really needs to hear. Sometimes people complain without needing solutions. Sometimes they ask questions they don’t even expect anyone to have answers for. They’re mostly only looking for validation. And none of it has to sound complicated.

This is also a reminder -to myself before anyone else-, that not everyone will know how to validate. And that’s okay. It’s extremely important to be mindful of who we choose to open up to about the things we feel in the first place, because it’s true that not everyone understands. But there are people out there who do. And if you’re unable to find them just yet, please be this person for others. The world needs more of that.

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Previous posts:

1. How it all started: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-thhttps://erapy-taught-me-1/

2. Why therapy? https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-2/

3. Opening up heals: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-3/

4. The power of “it’s okay”: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/19/things-therapy-taught-me-4/

5. Feelings have names: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-5/

6. Validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-6/

7. More on validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2020/01/11/tttm-more-on-validation/

#TTTM More on Validation

When opening up about their feelings, most people aren’t looking for: a) sympathy and confirmation that their struggle is the worst out there, or b) theoretical advices and reminders that they still have it better than others. There’s a grey area in-between; one we often tend to miss. An area of simply allowing others to just be. To feel the things they feel. To overreact until they can’t anymore. To live in denial for as long as they’re able to. To simply. just. be.

That’s how they can first allow us in to help.

We’re all made up of unique details, and so it’s illogical to expect everyone to feel and react the way we think we would if we were in their shoes. We wear our own shoes for a reason. Deciding to try someone else’s on for a while, does not mean we can fit into the rest of their clothes, not even their glasses too. We don’t get to decide how much someone’s paper-cut is supposed to make them cry; it cuts through their own skin and not yours. We don’t get to decide how much someone’s ankle sprain makes them scream; it paralyzes their own movement and not yours. We don’t get to decide how long someone needs to recover after giving birth; their baby pushes through their own vagina and not yours.

Likewise, there are no rules/guidelines for how much time people can take to grieve the loss of a loved one, or get over a heartbreak. People can’t be expected to magically stop overthinking whatever bothers them once they’re reminded it’s taking up more energy than it should. It’s okay to watch them cry over losing their favorite pen, if that’s what they feel they need. It’s okay to listen to them complain about breaking their fingernail. They’re not “teenagers” when they still get angry at things their parents do in their 30s, for they don’t have to match your “image” of how maturity is supposed to be.

It’s important to let all this sink in before understanding how validation works, because validation doesn’t come naturally to most of us too. It needs energy. It takes a lot of battling with one’s thoughts. It’s paralyzing to watch someone you love going through pain, wishing it was only humanly possible to physically cut through their heart and pull out the source of it all. Sometimes you feel responsible for guiding someone to a path you know they just need to be made aware of, for them to heal. Please do that; I’m not saying don’t. Validation doesn’t mean you don’t take action to help. Please be there for people and help them with their struggles, just make sure never to rob them of their right to feel what they’re meant to feel, as you do.

Because sometimes, we don’t *listen* to people. Sometimes their struggles happen to mess with an idea we might have about ourselves, or a thought we might’ve unconsciously been pushing away, that our response ends up being a reflex to something we personally don’t want to feel. And that’s the worst thing you can ever do to a fellow human being.

There’s still more I need to say about validation and how it works, so stay tuned for the coming post. And if you’ve made it this far, I would love to hear your thoughts!

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Previous posts:

1. How it all started: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-thhttps://erapy-taught-me-1/

2. Why therapy? https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-2/

3. Opening up heals: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-3/

4. The power of “it’s okay”: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/19/things-therapy-taught-me-4/

5. Feelings have names: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-5/

6. Validation: https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-6/

Art

I’m so grateful for the existence of people who make art. For those who express themselves through any form of creative work. It makes me feel less lonely. It’s extremely validating. When I read about myself between someone’s relatable lines. When I can finally identify a certain feeling I’ve always felt deep down inside as I listen to a song that helps me accurately describe it. When I stare at the colors of a painting that touches a part of me I‘m not able to reach on my own. When I watch an intense movie and feel the tears streaming down my face as I come across a precise representation of something I’m going through. People who make art are blessings. The world would’ve been such a dull place without them.

Things therapy taught me -6

Just like you deserve to name and feel every emotion that comes your way, it’s important to allow others the safe space to experience and express how they feel too. Therapy introduced a new word for that in the dictionary of my mind: Validation.

Human experiences and emotions are extremely complex. No two people can go through one experience and come out exactly the same. And so we might not always understand why someone can feel a certain something so intensely when it already sounds normal to our own minds. The point isn’t to always understand though, as much as it is to exert the effort to accept. Accept that people have different needs. Accept that people react differently. Accept that every person has a very good reason behind their behaviors and thoughts, even if no one ever got around to knowing their full story.

When I first started understanding why I feel so many of the things I feel, I happened to take a few wrong turns afterwards. Because I so much believed in the validity of those feelings at some point, I thought everyone else would somehow be on my same page if I shared my thoughts with them too. So I slowly started opening up to the people in my life about some of my realizations. I was still trying to accept and love myself, and yet I was so harshly invalidated.

One of them once told me I needed to stop giving my anxiety this name, because some other people’s anxieties result in way more severe panic attacks and much more serious depressive episodes than what I was going through. It sounded like other people’s experiences were somehow more valid than mine. Like the seriousness of what they go through is supposed to make me swallow in my own anxiety and man up instead. Because others had it much worse. I remember going home that day loathing this whole therapy experience because of how I thought it only made me want to victimize myself more, when I so obviously did not have it this bad in comparison to others. I remember I felt angry at my therapist for a while, because maybe she was the one convincing me that I had a problem after all, when I really just didn’t.

But then I talked to my therapist about it and she slowly helped me understand that if it personally took me all those months to comprehend my own pain and learn to accept it, I can’t really expect other people to get it all within one-hour chats. It doesn’t make them bad people, it only means that they aren’t able to relate. That they still don’t understand what validation is and why it’s so important. And that’s okay. I, myself, did not understand it this clearly just a few years back. And that’s also very okay.

Another one of them listened to me talk about some of the toughest experiences of my life and their first reaction was “you need to take it easy.” This is one of the most extremely invalidating sentences you can ever tell someone who struggles. It’s paralyzing. And if it’s coupled with something along the lines of “you’re so sensitive”, it can mess so bad with this person’s thoughts for the longest time. It might sound like you’re coming from a good place; trying to help them calm down or relax. But this “taking-it-easy” doesn’t come naturally to most people.

More on what validation is all about, on my next post inshaAllah!

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Previous posts:

#1 https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-1/

#2 https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-2/

#3 https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/14/things-therapy-taught-me-3/

#4 https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/11/19/things-therapy-taught-me-4/

#5 https://untitledblabbering.wordpress.com/2019/12/02/things-therapy-taught-me-5/