Archive for October, 2014

You never know.

Posted: October 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

You are going to lose me, too.
You are going to lose me, too.

“OUCH!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, as my head hit an unidentifiable object. I opened my eyes to find a dark brown wooden surface right beneath me.

I heard footsteps moving downstairs, cracking the first step.

“Hannah?” I heard Mom calling out.

I didn’t reply, attempting to make sense of where I was first.

“Hannah!” Mom shouted even louder. “Is everything alright up there?”

“Yes,” I weakly replied, realizing that I’ve landed on the floor next to my bed while I was dreaming. I cleared my throat. “Everything is perfect!” I shouted.

She paused, and then I heard her moving back towards the kitchen. I was glad I could finally get a moment with myself. What was that all about? I remember hearing a familiar voice intensely repeating the same sentence over and over again before I woke up, but I can’t for the life of me remember who that person is or what that sentence was.

Ignoring the thought, I helped myself to the surface of the bed again, tucking myself under my favorite greenish bed cover. It perfectly matched the green walls of my room, and it was a gift from my eldest sister after all.

Checking my phone, I realized I had received too many notifications. I decided to check Facebook first, when I saw a status that my other sister, Huda, had just posted a few hours earlier. She had been dreaming of leaving this country since I don’t know when, and now that she finally got accepted at a university in America, all her latest status updates are about that. She seems like she’s having the time of her life, while I am sitting here despising the fact that I exist. It’s been eight months since she left, and things are not getting any better for me.

I recalled our conversation the day Heba moved away with her husband.

“I thought sisters were untouchable.” I told Huda that day.

“What do you mean “untouchable“?” she asked.

“You know how everyone eventually leaves at some point in life, no matter how close they are? I’ve had enough of those. I’ve actually grown quite used to waving goodbye to each and every person who enters my life. Yet I thought I’d never experience that with my own sister. Not until today.”

There was a silent pause.

“I honestly didn’t think it mattered that much to you,” she then replied.

How could it not?! I thought.

“You didn’t seem very fond of Heba during the past couple of weeks to be honest.” She added, staring right into my eyes and trying to make sense of what was lying behind them.

I knew exactly what she meant. I had been pushing Heba away for quite some time, ever since her husband made his way into our lives. I knew she was going to move away, and so I was trying to distance myself from her before the distance actually forced me to. I didn’t know it was that obvious though. Not before they started explicitly pointing it out.

“I’m pretty sure I’d hardly hear from you if I got accepted somewhere and had to travel.” Huda jokingly said back then, and her words keep landing right into that broken part in my heart until this day.

I couldn’t imagine her leaving back then, and neither do I at the moment – even though it has all already happened. Heba and Huda are now living 30 minutes away from each other in America, and we rarely see them. Yet I wasn’t able to distance myself from Huda before she left, and that’s why it’s deeply hurting this time, I believe.

That wasn’t the first time any of them had pointed that out however. Heba once mentioned that someone had told her that I seem to constantly be pushing people away and that it wasn’t healthy for my age. What do they even know about my age?! She refused to tell me who that person was though, and we had to end the discussion because I was that close to breaking down in tears. Only after that conversation did I realize what I was doing.

I’ve been hurt so much that I’m currently scared to ever be hurt again, to the extent that I would do absolutely anything in the world to prevent even the tiniest scar from reaching my insides. Yet to them, this is me pushing others away. Yes, I do push others away, but that is because others rarely make an effort to push back and show me why I should let them stay.

I haven’t talked to my sister over the phone since she left except for once. I get paranoid. I’m afraid I’d be bothering her if I constantly kept calling. But then again maybe she doesn’t want to be bothering me either. How would anyone of us really know? All I know is that I’m currently truly losing my sister, and I am not able to do anything that can stop that.

I hate the way Mom keeps stressing on the fact that my sisters and I rarely communicate. She thinks it’s funny, and keeps telling everyone around the family about it, probably thinking that I would start talking with them more often that way. Even though I’ve noticed how Mom has grown quite dependent on me ever since my sisters left, but I still can’t get myself to trust and open my heart to her. She would never really understand.

“Breakfast is ready! Come on down here, you’re going to be late for school.” Mom’s voice came from downstairs, stopping my train of thoughts. I’d better get going with my life, rather than ponder upon what would never change. I just wish I had some kind of a rewind button to my life.

“Coming!” I shouted back.

And off I went to start the day.

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RED. The first thing my eyes spotted this morning as I was looking for something to wear. A red blouse, a red scarf, and there were my favorite pair of red shoes lying beneath my desk. I have always wondered why I love this color so much. It’s not even the random red which seems that appealing to me; it’s more of the folly shade of red, the shade that’s one-fourth of the way between crimson and rose. This shade does wonders to a specific part of my brain that can’t resist seeing it without falling in love with everything that it lies on. Yet what I find puzzling is the fact that I feel a sudden urge to wear this color on particular days, and if I refuse to obey my desire, my day magically gets ruined.

Today was one of them. I did not feel like wearing anything but red. It just made me happy, that’s all I know. Just like first days like today do.

First days truly bring so much cheerfulness to my world. The beginning of new years specifically. The happiness of everyone as they smile and hug each other tightly, for how long it’s been since they’ve last seen one another. The quick Hellos, as everyone rushes to check where their classes are, ready to make their first impressions. The stories, the pictures, the togetherness. It’s all heartwarming. I think that’s one of the things I’ll miss the most about university when I graduate. The first days.

Making my way around campus, I couldn’t really spot any familiar faces at first. It didn’t bother me though. As much as I enjoy observing the tiny details about people and appreciating their unnoticeable traits, I still prefer being on my own most of the time. I don’t have to fake anything when I’m on my own. I don’t have to pretend to be engaged in a conversation that I know none of us are interested in, yet need to keep it going just to avoid the awkward silence. However, I cannot deny that being among crowds gives me energy most of the time.

Shushing my thoughts, my eyes started wandering between the faces, processing their every detail and thinking about all the possible stories hidden behind each of them. A couple of minutes into watching people, I realized my head was taking me towards a totally different direction that I completely despised. I started seeing him in each and every face that passed by. I had already stopped thinking about him for quite some time, but this time I couldn’t stop starting, as I felt the memory of that last day pushing itself at the top of my head.

There he was, sitting right in front of me in silence. It was an August afternoon, and everyone had already left campus for how hot it was getting. Yet there we were, staring right into each other’s eyes, waiting for something to break the tension. I knew he was waiting for me to say something, the way he always did. I knew that as usual, he wasn’t going to say anything unless I decided to speak. But I still waited, desperately, because this time there wasn’t much left for me to say.

“So? Are we going to spend the entire afternoon staring at each other?” I finally decided to break the silence.

“That’s not what I was hoping for.” He said after a while.

Another pause.

I started growing impatient. Why did it always have to be me pushing the conversation forward?

“I honestly don’t see where this is going,” I said. “It’s either you open up and let me know what you’re thinking of, or I’d have to leave. I’ve already let out everything to you in yesterday’s text…”

“Yesterday’s text, yeah,” He interrupted. “The one with a final decision of ending this, without even caring to hear my opinion.”

“This is why we are here.” I tried to maintain my temper.

“I know. I just really don’t understand where all this anger is coming from. I would appreciate an explanation.”

“An explanation? What is there to explain? For God’s sake, I am just asking for a little sense of security,” I suddenly broke down. “You do not treat me the way I deserve. One day you make me feel on top of the world; calling me every hour, texting me with every detail of your day, and making me feel like the closest person to you. Then right the next day, I start feeling like I am no longer part of your life. You do not answer my calls, when I know you are already talking with other people. You do not even care to call back when you notice my missed calls, even though your WhatsApp status reveals you’re online. And at the end of the day, you simply come up with excuses that I have to believe, and I let it go thinking it won’t happen again, but you just keep on doing the same thing to me over and over again, only changing the way you choose to hurt me every time.” I took a deep breath, not knowing how I got the strength to let all that out.

“You have no idea how the feeling of being insecure kills,” I added. “I do not enjoy the constant feeling of knowing you are going to leave anytime, because you continuously keep doing it. I do not feel safe with you.”

“I truly don’t understand where this feeling is coming from,” He quickly replied. I thought he was starting to sound empathetic, but that wasn’t the case. “I try my best to make this relationship work, but you never want to compromise. For your info, I never “come up” with excuses, I do have my reasons, and I am not obliged to make you believe them.”

My eyes were getting filled with tears, and I was trying so hard not to blink, so that I wouldn’t push any of them down my cheeks. It was tough, struggling with my tears, and watching his blank face staring right at me. He knew I was about to break down into tears. He knew how hard this was for me. Yet this time in particular, he chose not to comfort me with words. He already had his way with me, and he could easily make it all up in a split of a second. But he refused, and our stubbornness kept making things harder for both of us. I wasn’t going to say more, and he obviously wasn’t going to admit that he was wrong.

I stared right into his eyes, and it was one of the few times when I couldn’t really understand what was lying behind them.

Lost in the scene, I was brought back to consciousness when I bumped into an old friend of mine. She had a huge smile on her face and opened her arms for me. I pushed back my thoughts, and tightly hugged her. We shared stories about summer, talked about our new semester, and she then offered to take me to class. Excitedly, we made our way to the room, when it happened again. I saw him in another face. I looked away, but something pushed my eyes back to that person, and I realized it wasn’t just a face. It was him. I could almost hear the beats in my heart, for it started pounding so loud and fast.

“Where did you say your class is?” My friend interrupted, her voice coming in the background of my thoughts. I didn’t answer.

“Oh wait, I found it! It’s right there, let’s go.” She pointed to the right without looking at me, and I followed her, my mind still not grasping what was going on, and my tongue not uttering a word. I hadn’t really thought about how I’d act when I accidently saw him again.

He will call out to me now. I will hear my name. I will hear him calling my name.

I slowly walked towards where she had pointed, waiting to hear his footsteps following us, and repeating those words inside my head to calm myself down. But there was nothing. No names, no waves, not even a smile that I could see from the corner of my eyes. I had just passed right in front of him and he let me go. Just like that.

I could confidently say it now; I truly am giving up on the whole male species.

And today, I lost a friend.

It’s been over two weeks now and he hasn’t spoken with me at all. I keep passing by the places he usually hangs out in on purpose, and I’m pretty sure he sees me. I’m always on my own, but not even once has he thought of approaching me. I saw him hanging out by himself one time, and I thought that was it; the perfect opportunity. I pretended to be looking through my phone and slowly passed in front of him, waiting for him to say something. I could feel his eyes on me, yet I never got to hear my name being called out. It hurts more every day.

I can’t believe that this is how everything is supposed to end between us. I have had similar conversations with him before, and even though none of us gets convinced with the other’s point of view at the end, but we always agree to reach a common ground. I don’t understand what is wrong with him this time. He isn’t even trying. I’ve given up on him a long time ago anyway, but there is still a part inside me that wants to give him another chance. He resembles me in a scary way; I haven’t met anyone who reminded me of myself the way he does. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to completely give up on him. But he already did anyway, so it just doesn’t make sense to keep holding on to something that’s already fading away. I’ve already grown tired of his problems and the way he used to keep getting back to me only when there is something messing up his thoughts. I just wish I could get a tiny peak into his head, and understand what’s going on inside. I bet I’d be amazed.

I miss him.

Yet he doesn’t. I should never forget that.

That was totally unexpected.

We just bumped into each other in the weirdest way possible. I was entering one of the buildings when I suddenly saw him looking around, and then checking his phone. I wished he could keep his eyes locked down on his phone that way until I passed by, for it was too late to turn around and walk the other way. As I was busy trying to evaluate the situation, he looked up all of a sudden and his eyes landed right into my own. It all happened so fast that I didn’t realize how unexpectedly and enthusiastically I called out his name until it was out. I smiled, not really knowing what to do with my face.

“How have you been?” I gladly asked.

“Fine.” He coldly replied, then walked away.

Fine? That was it?!

I could feel the blood spreading through to my veins, and pumping right to my face. It turned red, and my whole body started shivering at that point. I had just been the one who started it again, and this is what I got?! I shouldn’t have said anything, I shouldn’t have tried talking to him. It was just too awkward to walk away with him standing that close. I am never, ever doing this again. Today, he actually lost me.

I needed to talk with someone, but there was really no one to turn to. No one knew about this relationship; I didn’t even know if it was a relationship to begin with, or if we had just grown quite used to each other. That is the thing; I was never really able to identify us. He never helped me draw our story, and I was only left with the scenarios in my head. That’s how bad we have ended up.

I couldn’t take it any longer, and I found myself holding my phone, looking up my best friend’s name, and pressing call. I knew she was going to kill me for having went through all that without once telling her about any of it, but I just couldn’t think about it any longer; I needed to let things out, and as usual, she lent me her ears.

Oh, the guilt. No one has ever gone that deep into my personal life. Aside from him of course, sadly. I had just let my best friend in on the tiniest details of the whole thing. She didn’t comment much though, I told her I only wanted her to listen. However, I feel kind of naked – emotionally naked. I was always the one listening, and no one ever got anything out of me unless I wanted them to. But here I was, spilling everything out all at once, and having to endure that guilty feeling all by myself. I hate him for doing that to me.

My phone rang. And there was his name back on the screen.

I was angry. I refused to reply. He obviously knew how to hold up his phone and dial my number, but he was waiting for me to take the first step all along. I couldn’t be the one taking the first step every time. I shouldn’t even be taking first steps to begin with. I am done with him.

Please answer, it’s urgent. That was his message after 20 unanswered calls on my phone. I held my phone, not knowing what to do. What if he truly needed me?

Watching his name on the screen for the 21st time, I couldn’t resist the urge to know what was it that he was calling me for. I picked up.

Hey! Can you please open the door? I’m here, and we need to talk.”