“Hi Basma! I have been trying to reach you all day. I just wanted to tell you that the security office could not approve your Fayyoum Camp because of what is currently happening in the country. So sorry. Good luck next semester, habibti.”
For some reason, that conversation still keeps replaying itself in my head, as I am spending the night getting ready to deliver my training for tomorrow. It is the second night of the camp and I am overwhelmed by how we have actually made it this far, despite the problems we faced. It had been scheduled for the 28th of January, 2015, yet Glow’s OSD adviser called on the 26th to let me know that AUC’s security office did not want to take responsibility for students when Egypt was in such an unstable condition.
Nada keeps tossing and turning in the bed next to me, unconsciously trying to find a position where the light is not reaching her face as she sleeps. The noise brings me back to reality every time my mind slips away. I understand that I am annoying her and Hanin by keeping the lights on, but I do not really have any other option. Nada is actually supposed to be up, preparing for the training with me, but she fell asleep midway while talking and I could not find it in me to wake her up again. We have been short on sleep for around a week now, but tomorrow is a particularly big day for me and I need it to go perfectly. I will be standing in front of the 20 camp members, talking, handling the discussion, reflecting, and above all; staying confident all the way through.
Flashbacks from the last Glow Camp that I attended have been making their way to my mind ever since we arrived here. It was my very own life-changing experience that I have been thinking about since the day I got accepted as President in July; trying to imagine how it would possibly feel like to finally be one of the organizers.
I remembered the night we were having a discussion about communication, when the trainers asked about some of the possible communication problems that we personally face. I am not someone who would normally spill out my problems and private issues around people whom I had just met, but for some reason, I was very tempted to talk.
“I have a problem…” I hesitantly half-raised my hand, trying to figure out if I should really be doing this. Everyone’s eyes shifted to me and the pressure of their gazes made me extremely anxious, yet they all quietly waited for me to proceed. I could not maintain eye contact with anyone and decided to stare at an empty spot at the back of the room instead.
“I do not know why, but I am just never able to word my thoughts into anything that is not writing,” I said, not shifting my eyes from where it already felt at ease. “Nothing ever comes out right, no matter how much I try, and I end up regretting letting anything out in the first place. It keeps happening. I have reached this stage where I do not even try to put an effort into sharing my thoughts anymore, because what difference would it make anyway?”
We continued discussing this all night, as everyone kept asking me more questions, giving me tips on how to overcome that, and somehow trying to make me more confident. I tried working on that throughout the rest of the camp, and I have to say; it made a pretty great difference in my life.
Two years later, I realize that I am now occupying a position that obliges me to pass everything on and help others reach where I currently am today. I have learned that having someone make a difference in your life does feel good, yet realizing that you, yourself, are offered the chance to be making a difference in someone else’s life is a whole different feeling.
—
“Basma? Basma! You left the lights on all night?!” Hanin calls out. “It is 7 a.m. already! Get up, we are extremely late!”
Jumping out of bed, I realize I have lost myself in thoughts and forgot about the training, that I actually fell asleep, too. We were supposed to wake up at 6 and make sure that the breakfast team has all the materials and food that they need, but none of us had heard the alarm clock.
Hanin and Nada are getting dressed and I find out that most of the members are already up as well, waiting for us; the organizers. It is embarrassing because we have been imposing rules on them ever since they arrived, and we have to lead by example all the time in order to avoid the punishments that we, ourselves, have created.
I am actually really happy with how everyone is following the rules so far, despite the camp’s location ending up being at the Zamalek dorms. We decided that no one is allowed to leave the dorms, for them to get a real feeling of being at a camp; totally isolated from the world and totally engaged in the activities that we prepared for them. None of our friends really took us seriously since we announced the new place, and I do not blame them because who goes camping in the Zamalek dorms after all? We did not really have much of an option though.
I went through a really tough time with Hanin in the car on the night we received the call, and this is all what we could come up with. I still remember how I silently continued listening to our OSD adviser then, as she was shattering my dreams in the course of a phone call, and I could not find anything to say. Hanin understood what was going on then without having to ask, but surprisingly, she completely refused to give in, despite how down we both were. I still remember the look in her eyes that night as she was trying so hard to save our dream. Her persistence was inspiring.
“It is not getting cancelled. The camp will come to life. I am certain. It will.” She kept repeating that all night, sometimes holding onto my arm for support, and filling me with a little more hope every time she said it, even though I could not see any way out.
We made all kinds of phone calls back then, trying to find other alternatives that would be safe enough for the security office to approve. Both of our parents were getting furious, since it was getting really late then and we were still staying in my car; refusing to move before finding a solution. I felt my eye muscles twitching so many times that night, just like they had randomly been doing for the past month of preparation. It probably meant that I was under too much pressure, because my eyes had not twitched since my IGCSE examinations – which constituted the most stressful phase of my life, but there was nothing I could do to calm myself down. The amount of effort and energy we, along with the rest of the organizers, had put into this camp’s preparations was making it very hard for us to just let go and drive back home. Neither me, nor Hanin, were ready to take no for an answer.
What is even worse was the amount of pressure we were under just to stick to our values.
“Why don’t you just ignore the OSD and the security office, and simply proceed with the camp without their permission? No one will ever know, and nothing will happen since people are always overreacting about the situation in Egypt anyway.”
This was how most of our friends and colleagues reacted when they knew about our problem, and it was tough knowing that the only option we had was one which we could never do. Glow has always been teaching us to respect the rules, no matter how little sense they made. If we could actually do something to change the rules, then fine. But given that we were under the umbrella of the OSD, we had to respect everything they said. We could not violate Glow’s values, especially not in such a situation that already had to do with Glow.
I am truly happy we never decided to give in back then and do a wrong deed. It was all happening for a reason, and being here now, everyday keeps proving this. In fact, I am thankful we did not end up going to Fayyoum. We constantly keep finding out that we are missing something from the camp materials, and being in Zamalek is the only way we are able to get everything we can.
“Good morning, organizer!” One of the members calls out from the other end of the floor, as I make my way out of the room. I know what is on her mind and I feel slightly ashamed.
She approaches me.
“Do not worry, I am not going to comment about you being extremely late.” She sarcastically says. She made me laugh and I apologized anyway.
“I just wanted you to know that yesterday was amazing, I loved every bit of it. The training about culture specifically; it was the first time for me to open up this way to people whom I do not even know, and I feel that I am gradually becoming more self-aware, and…” she pauses. “A little more confident, I can say. So, thank you for making this camp happen!” She smiles.
I feel a few happy tears falling down my cheeks as I reach out to tightly hug her. This is how I know that hard work will forever pay off. This is exactly the reason I can never give up. The members of this organization have been the main reason why I survived many painful experiences this year, but this is different. This is the same feedback that I gave to the organizers of my 2013 camp, and it never occurred to my mind that I could ever do the same. This is touching.
We chitchat for a while, then leave for breakfast. I mentally get ready for my training, knowing that I currently carry such a huge responsibility upon my shoulders; the responsibility of changing lives.
21 May 2015
The things a blank page can do 