Death

Posted: July 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

The things we know for a fact are doomed to happen, yet barely acknowledge their existence among our worldly concerns. Like death. It’s there, it literally happens everyday, but we still act like life isn’t short and that everyone around is meant to stay. I used to think I was getting immune to death news, for how often I got to hear about them over the years. Yet, with every time I know about someone losing a loved one, my mind still goes blank. I never know what to say. Sorry for your loss, I know you might not be able to sleep well through the night anymore? Does the hole that continues to grow inside your heart still hurt as we speak? Can I do anything for you that would stop your tear ducts from drying up every time you’re alone? And the worst part about it is when it turns into the elephant in the room. I don’t know how people who experience it continue to survive and function as normal human beings, while just knowing about it completely messes me up this way.

July 15, 2017

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The things we never show

Posted: July 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

Every time I turn to the last page of a story, I can’t help but wonder if the characters I’m parting with do exist around in the real world, while no one knows. I wonder how many broken hearts walk around everyday, with their constant attempts to bring themselves together fooling everyone they see. I wonder how many hearts have lost their loved ones, and how many of them continue to see those faces every time their eyelids meet. I wonder how many hearts have been separated by distance, while they continue to pretend it doesn’t rip them in pieces every second of their day. I wonder how many hearts are caged behind insanely high walls they’ve had to build between them and the world after every heartbreak.

Most importantly, I wonder how we never know anything about that, yet continue to create our own scenarios of who we think everyone is on the inside, everyday. Or how we rarely allow ourselves to empathize with people, up until we get to hear their real stories one day. Yet we hardly get the chance to do that with everyone we meet, and it rarely crosses our minds how much everyone around might in fact be able to conceal.

July 14, 2017

Note-to-self (2)

Posted: July 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

Every time you catch yourself feeling slightly annoyed by someone’s attitude or behavior, try to remember that it’s almost always a direct consequence of a story they’ve had to live through that has unwillingly shaped them this way, and that they might never be able to share with you. Because everyone out there has stories – hundreds of them, and your conscious decision to excuse/forgive should never depend on how much you know of them.

April 5, 2017

Questions?

Posted: July 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

I wish people would just stop asking me questions. The kind of questions that they themselves would hardly even know how to answer. I wish people knew I like it better when they patiently wait for me to gradually give away my little secrets, but then again, sometimes I don’t let things out unless someone asks the right question, and it makes me feel like I’ve never even known who I really am. Most importantly though, I wish people knew that their questions don’t make them seem like they care, but that I still sometimes want them to ask because, sometimes, a part of me still needs to make sure that they do. Does that even make any sense at all?

March 28, 2017

Him and his plans

Posted: July 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

Sometimes you think you’re perfectly in control of a certain part of your life, as you watch everything unfolding just as planned. But then, out of nowhere, something unexpected has to happen and ruin it all. Something happens and it makes you realize you have to set all your plans aside and try out this new route you’re suddenly being forced to undertake. You blame yourself for not planning hard enough, for not thinking about all the possibilities, for not being up to your own expectations of yourself.

This is Him, reminding you that you were not in control of anything. Never are, never will be.

March 24, 2017

I don’t know how to be there for people. Do I ask them to talk about that which bothers them, or would that make them feel like I’m being too curious? Do I continue to ask about the details, or would that make them say things they might’ve originally not wanted to share? Do I shush myself and just leave them to let out whatever they want to, or are they the kind of people who wouldn’t talk unless they’re specifically asked to? Do I continue nagging so they would feel like someone around cares about them, or do I give them their space because that would be all what I’d personally want if it were the other way round? Do I let them exaggerate all they want to, or would I only be harming them if I do? Do I ask questions or do I give them answers? Do I crack jokes or do I show my sympathy? Do I give more attention or do I silently allow them to heal?

And a million other questions that will forever remain unanswered. I don’t know how to be there for the people I love and it sucks.

March 15, 2017

Old Places vs. New You

Posted: July 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

There’s something perplexing about visiting old places with a new version of one’s self. About interacting with old friends, while you already carry pieces of your new ones. And about getting glimpses of the past (that once seemed like a never-ending present) while you’re already part of the future. To the world, you’re just the same old figure; everyone, somehow, expects you to resume exactly from where you left off. As if your world had been paused while everyone else was busy with their own. As if you’re not allowed to change unless they’re there to witness it happen. Yet you do change, and you only realize it when you go back to those places and talk to those people. You realize it when you don’t laugh at their same old jokes, or feel like they could relate to yours. You realize it when you stop relating to their struggles that were once your very own, then have a hard time explaining how you’re already over everything this fast. You realize it when they refer to something you so obviously used to believe in, just a couple of days ago, not knowing that you might have had a conversation with someone just the night before, and that this conversation has changed everything. You might have managed to see a different side of the world, but they haven’t seen you do it.

Change can happen so fast, faster than one’s own ability to sit back and reflect upon it. Yet, to them, you’ll always be who you’ve always been, and nothing you can say would ever explain that.

March 13, 2017