Archive for November, 2013

(65/365)

Posted: November 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

“Let’s learn how to completely stop depending on people whenever there’s so much inside that needs to be let out”, she thought to herself as she watched almost every person she was once very dependent on making their way out of her life. She was convinced it was the only way out.

She turned silent, for days, for weeks, and for entire months. She felt very proud for having been able to hold it all inside, yet she never realized she was actually shredding her very own wound, a wound that wasn’t similar to anything she’d ever felt before.

The wound kept getting deeper and darker, and it still pains her at times during which she feels nothing but wanting to pour everything out. And she involuntarily does. She notices how she keeps spilling out parts of what she never realizes was upsetting her, only that she keeps doing it with all the wrong people.

Now she doesn’t only have to worry about being dependent on someone else once again, she also has to live with the guilt of letting out things that should have stayed inside all along. She doesn’t only have to experience the pain of keeping so much inside, but she also gets to live with the mistakes of saying the words that should’ve forever remained unsaid.

All what she seems to have at the end of the day is her blank page, yet the guilt, pain, pressure and tears still manage to block anything from getting the chance to land on paper, after aimlessly wandering all around her head all day long.

She doesn’t know if she wants to talk, to write, or to just open her window and continue screaming for hours and hours until she no longer feels her unnoticeable wound. She doesn’t know what relief is, or where she can find it anymore.

She needs you.

Advertisements

Someone mentioned you today and I felt a sudden twitch inside. I remembered when someone would mention you a few months ago and I’d only feel complete warmth inside that would always follow your name. I’ve missed the warmth your existence brought into my life. Another someone asked me about you a few days ago and all I could do was talk about the great person you are and the huge difference you’ve made in my life. I couldn’t decide then whether to smile at the thought of it or cry because it was nothing more than just a thought. Yet I smiled. I smiled because you’ve taught me the hardest lessons that I would have never learnt if you hadn’t decided to leave. I smiled because the pain your departure brought inside me can never be compared to the joy your existence used to bring into my whole life. Yes, it’s over, but I’ve enjoyed every part of it. And if I were to go back in time, I seriously wouldn’t change a thing.

I just wish that missing people was something I had a say in.

The cycle (63/365)

Posted: November 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

They randomly cross paths with you. You’re both fond of each other. You keep getting more in contact. One incident happens that brings you so much closer. You start consuming huge parts of each other’s lives. They talk. You listen. You trust. You finally feel okay opening up. You let out all your insecurities. They start feeling uncomfortable seeing the new sides of you. You see even newer sides of them following their uncomfortableness. You hold things inside away from them. It destroys you because you’re already too dependent on them. You eventually drift away. You start training yourself not to depend on anyone anymore. You succeed. You’re finally able to cope without needing them, or anyone else. Someone enters your life and completely destroys all what you’ve trained yourself into. They randomly cross paths with you and the cycle begins all over again, never making its way to an end.

This is the second post of the challenge inside the challenge¬†I’m starting with Marwa. This week we’re writing about Promises. Make sure to read her post as well!

***

The moment she’d been waiting for all day long made its way into her day; it was finally the time for her to leave. She impatiently waited for her bus at the stop, trying to keep her mind off everything, for she knew that if she allowed herself to think, she’d literally be drowning in a sea of her own tears much sooner than anyone would imagine.

Still, she couldn’t help but remember the looks of worry that invaded the faces of everyone who saw her that day, as they asked if she was feeling okay. Every person who came across her offered to listen, none of them understood that what she felt was never meant to be put into words. She couldn’t identify though whether it was that or she was just waiting for the right person to ask her to talk. She remembered him and a tear suddenly left her eye, dropping down and hitting her dry cheek, bringing her back to reality. She quickly rubbed it away.

Her bus finally arrived, and she went for the last seat at the very back of it. She always did that, always reached out for the last thing of everything, and he used to always laugh at the sight of her doing that. No one understood why she’d always check the last page of every book she was about to read, or why she preferred starting with the last song on her playlists, except him. He’d always be the one joining her during each of those attempts, finding joy in the weirdness of her actions, unlike everyone else. Another tear made its way down at the thought of that, as she laid her bag on the empty seat next to her and stared at the window’s direction, studying the details of the road.

It had been more than a year since they’ve last spoken and she was so much missing his existence in her life. Another scene started playing in her head at the thought of that.

It was a dark, unusual Thursday night, they were the only ones awake at each of their houses, both not wanting to hang up despite how tired they were.

There was a long pause, after which he cleared his throat and finally spoke. “What scares you the most?” He suddenly asked.
What? Why are you asking?” She replied, not really giving him a chance to answer. “Well, nothing scares me more than those moments when people make promises. There’s something about the looks in their eyes and the tones of their voices that manages to make me believe them.
There was another pause.
What’s wrong with that? I don’t understand.
What’s there to understand? It’s obvious, no promise was ever made to be kept. It’s like a universal rule or something. Through my entire life -which is not even that long-, I’ve been promised all kinds of promises from the so many people I’ve encountered, and I somehow always manage to childishly believe them, yet they always fade away. You know what’s the worst promise everyone seems to admire giving? The “I’ll always be there” promise, the “I’ll never leave your side” one. It makes me sick. I’ve heard all kinds of similar promises that were never kept, that at some point I started doubting that such promises were initially made to be broken.
He remained silent. He didn’t expect that, and wasn’t sure what to say.
But, don’t you think you’re kind of generalizing? Some people do keep their promises, you’re just not giving anyone the chance to prove that. You’ve been through a couple of experiences that do not define everyone, and you’re basing your entire life on that.
Maybe you’re right,” she said. “I haven’t met the one who’d restore my faith in humans and their promises yet. Maybe I need someone to prove me wrong. But I just haven’t met that person yet.
Another long pause. She wasn’t planning to help break the silence, and he was struggling with the words he wanted to say.
Okay then, I have some good news for you!” He finally said. “That someone you’re looking for is here, and it’s me… I want you to know, that no matter how many fights we have, no matter how much we change, and no matter how much life tries bringing us apart, I will always be there. If you need to talk, I’ll listen. I’ll be there through the good and the bad. I just need you to trust me. I promise that this won’t be like any other promise you’ve ever heard. I promise we’ll spend years ahead remembering this promise and smiling so hard. I promise to always keep this promise.

She fell silent. That was one of the few times in her life, if not the only one, in which she didn’t feel scared while hearing a promise being made. His voice and words were very different from anything she’d ever heard before. She felt so warm at the heart and held on tightly to the phone. Scenes from their future started going through her mind and she smiled like a goof.

Did that…sound scary? Did I scare you?” He hesitantly asked, trying to break the silence once again.
No, no. That was actually, one of the most beautiful moments I’ve lived through.

The bus driver suddenly pulled over and the engine died, forcing her to stop the endless flow of tears that were filling her eyes and face by then. She decided to walk the remaining distance back home and tried to avoid any eye contact with people. She had never cried that much in public.

Many more scenes played themselves at the back of her mind again and again, making it harder to stop the tears. She couldn’t understand what went wrong. She couldn’t understand how it all ended. She hated herself for believing him, and she hated herself more for realizing that she gave him all the wrong answers when he asked her about promises earlier.

She told him that what she hated most about promises was that particular sentence, but she was wrong. What she truly felt at that moment was that she hated nothing more than promises that were broken without any sound reason. Promises that were completely believed yet managed to fade away just like they usually do, without even a single tangible reason. There was no reason for what was going on between them. There wasn’t even a definite moment that she could point at and say that’s where he broke his promise. But that was still not the problem.

She had decided to put her full trust in him because he was the only one who was supposed to restore her trust in people. She knew that it would only take one person to make her believe once again that some promises are truly meant to be kept forever, and she was very certain about him being that. Now that it’s all gone, she’s left with a much deeper wound than any of what her previous broken promises caused. She’s left with a wound that would always pain her every time she hears a promise. She’s left with a wound that would never allow her to trust anyone ever again, for the one who was supposed to change that belief, is the one who made her cling more tightly to it. That was the worst part of it all. Knowing she’d never get over her certainty about never believing in promises.

Were promises really made to be broken, she thought. Is that the purpose of their existence? How would she know? She paused for a second.. She knew the answer. It’s a yes.

It’s a yes because of all the broken promises she’d witnessed, but most importantly, it’s a yes because she, herself, couldn’t even keep a promise. She had promised herself earlier to never trust anyone again, yet when he entered her life, she decided to give him a chance to prove her wrong. She believed him even though, deep down, she knew that was not going to happen. She knew he’d shortly break his promise yet she still broke her very own promise to herself just to believe him, and he destroyed it all. What is there to believe in if one couldn’t trust their own self in the first place?

She realized that what scared her the most was not the moments of promises anymore, what really did was the thought of her giving up that belief again if someone similar entered her life. She wasn’t going to keep her promise and she’d never expect anyone to, but she knew she’d believe it all when she’s at it. She scared herself. She was going to be the reason for so many new wounds that will always remind her of how she never kept a promise. She was going to destroy her own self.

She finally reached her house after a long walk back. She searched for the keys in between her tears and quickly made her way into her room, closed the door, and hugged her pillow very tight, not trying to control her tears anymore. She remembered all their tiny details again, and how she believed them all, then continued crying herself to sleep. She knew she was so screwed.