Archive for July, 2014

The Realization

Posted: July 2, 2014 in Uncategorized

“Sociable”, is a word she hears a lot whenever she’s being referred to. “Uncountable”, is the number of friends she has, and “people”, could basically be the keyword of her entire life.

She loves people. She always believes there’s something different about each and every person out there. That’s why she constantly strives to find out what that could be, just to fall in love with them even more – despite the fact that those relationships might not even last.

Her friendships are always different, and the resemblance between her close friends could hardly be noticed. She tends to widen her circles and loves letting more of the people she knows, know more of each other. However, with a great personality like hers, comes a much greater struggle. She realized that whenever she did get any two of her close friends in contact, they almost always became best friends, leaving her behind. Every single time.

Why don’t they ever remember that they might have never been friends in the first place without me?” She would always wonder. Not out of arrogance however, but rather out of hurt.

It’s harder to ignore what’s going on when everywhere she goes, she bumps into old friends who have no longer been part of her life ever since they got in contact. She’d always feel as if she was the stranger among them, when she’s already been the main reason behind it all. And there was no one whom she could tell any of this to, for no one would really understand.

One night, she couldn’t get herself to sleep, and instead, she found herself thinking about all the people she’s ever known. All the people who were no longer there. Again, she wondered; why was it happening to her? Why did it constantly keep happening no matter how different the next person she met turned out to be? What is it about her that forced everyone to repeat the same experience with her over and over again? Too many questions invaded her mind.

But then everything turned silent. A light bulb suddenly went off inside her head, and the tears started streaming down her face at the sudden realization of it all.

She realized that this is exactly what she, herself, has been doing with her own source of people. She realized that he, who has sent every single person in her life, gets left behind every time, the same way she does with her friends. She has, in fact, become close friends with a whole lot of people whom she wasn’t the reason for getting in contact with in the first place, forgetting all about the one who planned it all for her, and not once did she pay attention to what had been going on all this time.

It’s Him; God. The one who originally allowed her to cross paths with everyone who ever meant something to her. The one who has carefully set a well-thought-of plan for her and for the many people who continue making their ways into her life every day. The one who, despite His efforts, gets left behind every time, for she absentmindedly always gets busy with the actual person, forgetting that without God they would have never even existed in the world.

It was weird how she got hurt every time her friends forgot about her and moved forward together, when she has already been doing the very same thing with her own Creator, hurting Him even more by getting caught up in His blessings instead. Yet He still never seems to stop sending more blessings her way, hoping that maybe they could remind her of His existence one day, and He allows them to leave, hoping that it would get her back to Him when she notices He’s the only one who’s always there.

Too often do we concentrate on the gift, and forget all about the sender. Too often do we concentrate on the mistakes of other people, and forget our own worse ones. And too often do we get caught up in hardships, forgetting that they are just meant to bring us home; where only God can heal our wounds.

Upon realizing that, she opened her hands up high, and pleaded for forgiveness.
اللهم إني إستودعك قلبي، فلا تجعل فيه أحد غيرك ولا تعلقه بأحد سواك.

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I don’t want to get married, and I don’t want to have kids. Bringing children to this world seems to be the most ugly thing anyone can do at the moment.

I’ve always believed that my parents have messed me up on certain matters, just because of who they are. I’ve always blamed them, for all the issues that kept growing inside me and all my weird sides that were mainly there because of them, and that never seemed to want to go away. Privacy issues, emotional issues, you name it. There’s plenty of them. However, it all started making sense, just two days ago.

Two days ago, I discovered how messed up my own mother is, and how it was actually because of her own messed up mom who passed everything on to her. It turned out that my grandmother and my grandfather already had so many issues (that I assume were already passed on to them from each of their parents) and that they unawarely passed to my mother, who did the same thing with her own daughters, adding more of her natural personal issues to us. Realizing this, I couldn’t help but think how messed up my father would also turn out to be if someone just tried digging in a little, and how many of the things I hate about myself were actually there because of him, without any of us noticing. And if my sisters and I were to get married and have more kids, our children will be the most messed up of all, because they’d in fact be carrying the issues of different generations, plus our own ones, in addition to theirs. It’s complicated. Because it will never come to an end. Unless someone decides to go to therapy or something, and get things sorted out, which does not seem to be possible at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong though; having issues is something natural about us, I don’t mind them being there. But what I do mind is not having them confined to the one person they are meant to be for. What I do mind is noticing how messed up people are and realizing it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with those around them who are already messed up because of other messed up people. Why do we have to do this to each other?

I don’t want to have kids because I’ll never be able to handle watching them walk around carrying the worst parts of me – and whoever might be my husband. I don’t want to have kids because this world is too cruel to survive with all the issues that are yet to be transmitted to them. I don’t want to have kids because it’s going to be painful having them grow up one day to blame me for all what they are, and all what they hate about themselves.

Very selfish, this might all sound. But in fact, I do love my kids way too much to allow them to make it to this world.