Archive for October, 2013

I’m seeing another side of you that I never knew could ever exist. I’m seeing another side that’s making me wonder whether I’ve been imagining that other good side of you all along or if it’s just a phase that will eventually come to an end.

What hurts most is, I remember our first everything. I remember our first encounter, our first click, and our first realization that we’re meant to last. I remember the first thing of everything you were the reason I went for. I remember the first time I did everything I was once afraid to do, because knowing you were there allowed me to do wonders. I remember the way you believed in me, the way you listened, the way you cared, and the way you simply existed.

My vocabulary has been slowly slipping into yours that now I’m afraid to utter any word for it would do nothing but remind me of you. My expressions are all yours and whenever I leave my mind to wander, it automatically thinks of the things only you would make me think of.

I shouldn’t have trusted you, but I don’t regret doing so. I don’t regret putting my full trust in you and having you completely disappoint me, for your existence has literally changed my life, and taught me a lot.

Thank you for being the reason I’ve experienced so many new feelings for the first time. And thank you for teaching me how the pain of losing them all can still make me strong.

May you never cross paths with that someone who will give you everything than take it all away before you know it, leaving you with the invisible wounds of the ‘what could have been’s.

On Endings (60/365)

Posted: October 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

This is the very first post of the challenge inside the challenge I’m starting with my fellow challenger Marwa, in which we’d both try writing about the same topic every week, yet with different eyes.

***

I’ve always been taught that everything eventually comes to an end, no matter how long it lasts, and no matter how much we cling on to it. At some point it’s just going to end. I’ve probably experienced nothing more painful than those moments in life when things end and I’d know for a fact that there’s nothing I can do that would bring them back. But still, that has never affected my strong addiction of beginnings, they’re one of my very few pleasures in life. Even though I know that every beginning will have it’s very own painful end, I never stop wanting to go through more of them.
 
I so much admire beginnings. I love those moments when, for instance, I realize that a friendship’s starting, that a bond’s growing between myself and some other person, that something new is making its way into my life. I love reminding people of the first incidents that brought us both together, that they’d probably remember nothing of. I love memorizing dates that marks my first days somewhere, or with someone special. I love how definite beginnings are, how you can point right at them as they happen and be able to identify that this is the beginning of something. And that’s exactly what I hate most about endings; their vagueness. The fact that you can never find a when, a why or even a how for them.
 
Looking back at most of the things that has ended throughout my life, they’ve always proven to suddenly and out of nowhere, just end. I’ve lost too many people who were so close to my heart at certain points, yet I can never be able to describe how any of them happened, how my relationships with them came to their ends or when their roles in my life even ended. Things always suddenly end, but whenever I’m asked about how they did, there’s just no answer for that, and this is what so much confuses me about endings.
 
Endings are such bizarre realities, always hitting you in the face at the times you need to keep your head up high the most, managing to keep it turning in all the possible directions around you in an attempt to get hold of even a single part of them for one last goodbye, yet failing. I truly despise the unspoken goodbyes, and I find it really hard making peace with the fact that I’d never know when I should let any of them out.

The Kitkat bars (59/365)

Posted: October 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’ve always enjoyed surprising people with simple cute gifts whenever I’m meeting them, then watch the smiles invading their faces as they feel touched at the thought of the gift. I’ve particularly loved buying Kitkat bars to anyone I’d want to see happy, and then watch them as this simple chocolate totally changes their moods. It’s amazing.

Today, I unexpectedly received two Kitkat bars from two different people at two different times on the very same day. One would think they’d never personally get affected by what they’ve already always affected people with. Surprisingly though, the thought of both gifts made my heart dance in an amazing way and they deeply touched me even though I had already gotten used to seeing people as they’re touched and not the other way round. It’s amazing that the effect of an act like this one doesn’t change no matter how many times you do it to others. It’s amazing that it affects everyone equally.

That also reminded me of; what goes around, literally comes back around. Never did I believe in this sentence the way I do now.

Thank God for the existence of people who still have the ability to make other people’s days.

20131025-025655.jpg

The expectations trap (58/365)

Posted: October 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

It starts with everybody complimenting you on how smiley your face and soul always seem to be, until you reach that point where you stop being able to not be the “smiley” person people always expect you to be when you’re around them. The attitude crawls into you until you no longer know how to act any differently whenever you’re in the company of anyone.

But it eventually happens. It happens that at some other point you start losing your energy that has kept you perfectly pretending all along. You start getting back to the person you once were but forgot about, for you’ve been pretending to be some other person for so long. You start being who you truly are, doing what you internally feel like doing; nothing more, nothing less. You stop smiling at people when you don’t feel like you have the energy to move any of your features. You stop being able to laugh at what you’ve originally always laughed at only to avoid the awkwardness of those moments. At some point, you just stop being able to pretend.

What happens then? People say you’ve changed. People start disliking your attitude. People start questioning you; what’s wrong with you? Why are you in a bad mood? Even though it would have nothing to do with a bad mood at all. It only has to do with finally feeling you want to be the original you. But you can’t easily get to be the original you when you’ve been hiding it for so long. You can’t disappoint people as they keep waiting for all what you’ve always offered them. And that’s the thing. People do not question you because they care; they only question you because they stop getting what they’ve gotten used to get from you and it upsets them. They only wonder why you’ve changed because they need what you’ve always provided them. Most of the time, if not all of it, it has nothing to do with them worrying about you for the sake of you. And that’s where it hurts the most.

You’ll never be able to comfortably be who you really are because people’s expectations will never leave you in peace; it’s a trap you’d never be able to leave once you enter it.

His call (57/365)

Posted: October 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

One of the most beautiful yet most painful feelings in the world, is being called back by Allah.

I’ve noticed how every single time I start losing track of my path towards Him, every person I’m used to running to somehow manages to disappear at that particular time. Sometimes everyone around me starts slowly slipping into their own bad mood, and sometimes there’s nothing logical about their absence, it happens out of nowhere and it always confuses me.

It’s one of those times. It’s one of those times in which every person I’ve been falsely attached to seems to be doing their best to break this attachment bond, and get things back to how they should have originally been. But amazingly, they’re not the ones who decide to do that. It’s all God’s brilliant work.

He sits there, watching me get madly get attached to everyone in my life but Him, and He knows how much comfort only His attachment would bring me, and so He finally decides to intervene. The thought of this both scares and excites me. It scares me because I’m never able to stop imagining how God must be mad at me for Him to reach such a stage. It scares me because I realize how I’ve falsely gotten attached to so many people in my life, that God started thinking my life has no place for Him anymore. It kills me knowing He might be thinking about it this way. But still, it makes me really happy knowing that despite all that, God still hasn’t given up on me, and didn’t completely leave me to my attachments. It makes me happy knowing He still wants me back.

It’s a mixture of a feeling that cannot be put into words, but it’s something I’m very glad I’ve gotten to experience.

(56/365)

Posted: October 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

When the words keep writing themselves all over the page but the backspace key somehow manages to force itself on whatever’s flowing, because what difference would words make anyway? What difference would they make if they’re destined to forever remain hidden behind a screen, knowing for a fact that they would never make it to the real world? What difference would they make if they know they’re going to be published; leading to the loss of their spark for they also know there will be millions of misjudgments if what’s inside is truly passed out exactly the same way? What difference do written words do when they know they’ll never be read by those who were meant to read them anyway?

Writing brings so much comfort, but sometimes all what one might be needing is an ear to listen to the spoken words that continuously keep hiding themselves inside, for they regret coming out every single time they decide to. It’s just funny how this world has so many ears, yet if compared to the way tongues are excessively used nowadays, they’d prove to have no value at all.

You know how you could be really, really mad at someone yet instead of promising yourself to never forgive them for whatever they did like you usually do, you impatiently keep waiting for them to only utter the first word to you and you’ll immediately forget all about it and give them a welcome back hug without any further discussion? It’s the most confusing feeling in the whole world, yet it’s still so special. It’s special because it’s rarely felt with anyone who isn’t too close to your heart, and that’s exactly the problem.

I don’t understand how someone could be that close to my heart, yet they’d cause me so much pain only because I keep waiting for that first word every single time, and for some reason I never get to hear it.

It’s too sad having someone so close who takes advantage of the fact that you can never stay mad at them for too long. It’s too sad knowing this is starting to be something taken for granted, though it takes too much to actually reach that stage. It’s too sad being unable to know the reason why that first word hasn’t been said yet, and instead of staying mad, you’d only be fighting the urge to ask them what’s preventing them from starting a conversation like they always do. It’s too sad how at some point you stop waiting for the first word and just continuously keep looking for excuses to why you haven’t heard it yet.