Archive for January, 2014

My new favorite pair of shoes

Posted: January 30, 2014 in Uncategorized

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I’m so not into shoes, and I find shoe-shopping extremely exhausting, yet I happen to have my own favorite pair of shoes that I’d never give up on. The top pair has been my favorite since Grade 10. Not only because they’re RED, but they do carry a lot of memories, and they also happen to be one of my few sources of positive energy. Yes, the shoes.

I’ve been having them for almost 5 years now, which is the longest any pair of shoes has survived with me before I’d start disliking them. They’ve been torn, immersed in dirt, changed colors, kept getting tighter, yet not once did I catch myself loving them any less. They’ve always been my favorite, and every time I used to go shopping, I’d keep looking for similar ones, but for some reason I never seemed to find them anywhere. I gave up shortly, and decided to just be content with the ones I have, because I knew I wasn’t going to find anything similar anyway.

Today, I was shopping for clothes, totally not thinking about how much I wanted to find that similar pair. As I was entering a clothes shop that had nothing to do with shoes, I found in a corner an entire stack of nothing but RED CONVERSE SHOES! I stood there, almost tearing up, and headed to the shoe man with one of them, enthusiastically asking him for a pair my size. He went to look for one, and as I stood there with my heart beating loudly, I found him coming back empty handed, telling me he couldn’t find my size. They only had a 38, and my size is 36, or 37 maximum. I stood there not believing that I’m going to have to walk out of that shop without my new favorite pair, and I just refused to move. They were all there and I couldn’t get one because my feet were TOO SMALL? Unfair world. I decided to challenge my luck this time and did what anyone wouldn’t really do. I took the 38, wore it, found it too big, and decided to buy it anyway. The whole shoe team left everything and continued to watch the weirdo that was me, getting excited over a pair of shoes, that wasn’t even her size.

I headed to the exit with the shoes among my bags, feeling weird yet happy. At least I didn’t have to leave my favorite shoes behind. However, the most beautiful thing happened on my way out. I totally wasn’t planning to, but I happened to spot a pair that the shoe man didn’t notice was there, and surprisingly, I found the number 37 brightening up its insides! They were my size! I headed back, exchanged them, and went out of the shop knowing I was being eyed by every person there who could not at all grasp the reason behind the wide smile on my face.

I finally have a new (clean, haha!) pair. They might not be as special as my old ones; they don’t carry any of their memories, and they still don’t own that place in my heart, but they mean a lot to me already.

The highlight of my day today was a PAIR OF SHOES!
They’ve made me happy, and I just couldn’t not write about them. :’)

My words and you

Posted: January 29, 2014 in Uncategorized

It’s undoubtedly annoying to realize that you had always been the first word involuntarily making its way out of the unbearable mess inside my head every time I’d start writing. It annoyed me so much that I’d sometimes refrain from writing all together so that I wouldn’t have to start whatever I was longing to pour down with the one thing I knew pretty well that I couldn’t resist. I’d sometimes find myself scrabbling all the thoughts that had to do with you in between the margins of my notebook, trying to make room for those which yearned for some attention, and it often worked. Yet you’d still keep making your way back at the top of my head every time I wasn’t paying attention, and the cycle would just keep going on and on.

It annoyed me back then because I thought that’s the worst it could get. It never occurred to me that one day I’d open that same notebook and instead of dropping you off and heading through my way with the words, you’d actually become the only one coming out. – Not the first, but the one and only.

I’ve noticed how I eventually give in and start writing about nothing but you, thinking that at some point you’ll know you have to set yourself aside and allow me to write. But it just rarely happens. You’re always invading all the possible rooms inside, and as much as it’s comforting to know that my heart’s not the only one thinking about you, the idea of it still keeps me up at night for I know that one day you’ll be making your way out of my life; forgetting to take your trails along, and I’ll have no other option rather than to carry the weight of my thoughts all by myself.

Her voice

Posted: January 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

Her voice is so pretty, she makes me want to forever stay silent for its memory to remain within my ears, not even wanting my own voice to cut in and ruin it for me. Her voice is so pretty that she made me reconsider my usual answer to the “Would you rather be blind or deaf?” question, for the fact that I might be giving up such a voice if I had to lose my senses. Her voice is so pretty it makes me wish that voices were somehow tangible, for me to at least hug hers. Her voice is so pretty, I want to keep writing about it even though I know no words would sufficiently describe how much of music to my ears it sounds. I can’t help but imagine how the different people she crosses paths with everyday get to normally speak with her without completely forgetting all what they have to say, as they unconsciously lose themselves in the sound of her words. I never knew voices could ever mean that much to someone who always seemed to find comfort in the silence. I never knew voices could even be described with an adjective like “pretty”, but it’s just too pretty not to be.

My left arm

Posted: January 24, 2014 in Uncategorized

My left arm hurts. It hurts so bad that I actually have to endure going through daily moments of intense muscle contractions, which happens to completely paralyze my whole body, and which I have no explanation for at all. So, what do I do about that? Tell someone? Ask for help? Go see a doctor? Nope, I just ignore it. Completely. As simple as it sounds.

I ignore it thinking that maybe if it realizes that I’m no longer thinking about it, the pain would eventually go away. I ignore it because I don’t know what’s wrong with it and I’d better keep convincing myself instead that there’s just nothing wrong at all. I ignore it because if I admit that it’s hurting me, I’ll have to face the consequences if it turns out to be something serious, and so I continue pretending I’m strong, thinking I’m better off this way.

And, why does that even matter to me? It matters because I’ve realized it’s basically what my life has been all about. This is what I always do with absolutely everything I face. My problems, my hardships, my insecurities, my defects, everything. Once any of them decides to clearly highlight itself for me, I refuse to acknowledge its existence all together, thinking that maybe, just maybe, ignoring a problem would lead to having it solved on its own. I refuse to voice my problems because what’s the use of proving that I already know about them when I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle them anyway? I hardly allow myself to feel comfortable thinking about any of my insecurities because it’ll do nothing but bring more discomfort along the way.

The problem only arises when the pain in my arm starts getting more severe; keeping me up at night for hours before being able to peacefully sleep, and affecting almost every aspect of my life, for it unexpectedly turns from a thought perfectly-being-ignored to one which refuses to leave a single room inside my head without crawling in and making a home out of the place. It hurts when I get out of bed each morning, when I reach out to kiss my parents goodbye. It hurts in between my favorite classes and every time I get ready to leave a room. It hurts when I’m silent, and it still hurts when I speak. It hurts when my mind refuses to focus on anything but the never-ending pain.

I wish for nothing more than finding someone who’d reach out to those few muscles inside my arm that’s making this whole mess, and gently take away all that pain. Just like I wish for someone to reach out to the deepest parts of my soul, and help me figure out all my inner details; the details that have been longing for anyone to turn their eyes to them, and help them find their way.

The different hers

Posted: January 24, 2014 in Uncategorized

You innocently pointed out that you’ve noticed how she turns into a new her every time she’s around different people, and as much as she hated how true that turned out to be, it still made her happy hearing it from you. It made her happy realizing how well you knew her, to the extent that you were able to differentiate the parts that belong to her from those which don’t. It made her happy knowing that she had someone in her life who cared enough to help her in finding out who she really is, in the midst of her struggles of trying to stop everyone from turning her into their own versions of herself. And most of all, it made her happy realizing that the truest side of her was never able to reveal itself that clearly around anyone but you. Not only that, but also the fact that you always manage to bring out that side without her even realizing she did. You amazingly make her feel comfortable, always unaware of what exact parts of herself she happens to let out to you. She loves the fact that you’re the only one who gets to see the so many sides of her, yet still finds no problem in that, for you know that deep down there’s just one of them that’s striving so hard to be noticed, and that only feels safe every time you assure her that you do.

My images and you

Posted: January 22, 2014 in Uncategorized

I’ll keep pushing you away only because you’ve proved to do nothing better than constantly ruining the perfect image I’ve been building for you inside my head for months. You’re not realizing how painful that is, because you’re not only turning me into a person who has stopped trusting you, or trusting the entire humanity for that matter, but you’ve involuntarily turned me into someone who is no longer able to trust their own selves anymore. The images inside my head were one of the most beautiful connections between my inner and outer me, and now I’m just not sure if it’s you who’s trying so hard to prove them wrong, or if they’ve really been betraying me all along. I didn’t mind the pain that followed the end of every us, but that which is following the end of my insides is something I’d never be able to endure.

Stay away before you make me lose myself. Stay away because the you I see in my dreams every night is the only one I long for, and the more I have you around, the more I keep longing, that at some point I wonder if what I’m longing for even existed in the first place.

You’ve been occupying my lessons-to-be-learnt list for so long and I’ve never wished for something more than to cross you off, and have you move to the lessons I’ll never have to be reminded of ever again.

The never-ending exhaustion

Posted: January 15, 2014 in Uncategorized

It’s very tiring having to go through certain phases every now and then where every tiny thing you used to wholly believe in just goes to waste. It’s very tiring because it keeps happening over and over again that you start doubting your entire life at some point. It’s very tiring because every time you start believing in something, you continue giving it your all, then you discover that it took so much of you than what it initially deserved, and that you’ve given away too much of yourself that’s never coming back, but for some reason you still keep doing it, every time. It’s very tiring because it seems to always be happening just to teach you that one lesson that you never seem ready to grasp. It’s very tiring because it drains you, and you still have to normally continue on with your life. It’s very tiring having to go through it all by yourself every time, yet it’s still very tiring constantly feeling guilty about finally letting it all out to someone. It’s very tiring because it’s a never-ending cycle, because every time life stumbles upon something you so much believe in, it’ll magically know how to turn it all upside down for you.

And there’s just absolutely nothing you can do about it.