Archive for April, 2014

I am mad.

Posted: April 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

I’m mad at the world. I truly am. I’m mad at the world for turning me into someone I never thought I would ever turn into, only in the course of three months. I’m even more mad at myself for allowing the world to do that to me. I’m mad at how I used to call myself a happy person, and how I currently despise happy people and constantly feel like staying away from them whenever their happy sides prevail. I’m mad at the world for making me hate growing up because if I’m already going through all this when I’m not even 20 yet, what effect would my life past graduation even have on me? I’m mad at the world for making my tears that accessible, for not even taking it more than a few seconds to have me drowning in a sea of my own tears. I’m mad at the world because today I met someone who compared my last year self to my current one and was surprised at how I used to be full of energy and how I’m currently almost always dull. I’m mad at the world for taking my energy away and not even giving me anything back in return. I’m mad at myself for allowing all this to happen, for watching all my energy slip away right in front of me, without doing anything to save it. I’m mad at myself for blaming other people for what’s happening to me now, for never taking the responsibility of my own actions because they always had to do with someone else. I’m mad for not taking care of myself for too long because I’m almost always ignoring her when it comes to other people, that I actually experienced severe illness for two times in less than one month and had no one there for me except my mom. I’m mad at myself for never appreciating her enough after all what she goes through because of me. I’m mad for never adding myself on top of my list of priorities, despite my unexplainable self-centeredness, and for watching me move down the list everyday, that I’m almost making my way off the whole thing. I’m mad at the world for doing all this to me in a very short time, not allowing me to fully process a single part of it. I’m mad at myself for losing faith in almost everything I once believed in wholeheartedly, leaving me believing in nothing at all. I’m mad at everyone’s looks of sympathy to me when they realize what I’ve turned into, and at everyone who keeps wanting to get me past this phase, because my mind is already in denial and doesn’t want to acknowledge any of what’s happening around. I’m mad at everyone for not giving me the chance to be left alone in the midst of all that. I’m mad at the world for ruining the (supposedly) best days of my life. I’m mad at the world for making me lose myself, and I’m mad at the world for getting me mad at myself this way.

I don’t want to go on living like this, and I honestly don’t have what it takes to change any of it. Whoever said that happiness is a choice, and whoever claimed that our moods can’t be affected by anything if we decided not to allow it to, probably never experienced watching everything in their lives taken away from them in a split of a second, yet still being asked to continue on with their lives as if nothing’s going on.

I hate watching myself turn into someone who’s constantly mad at everything. I’d rather have my life taken away from me all together, than have to suffer while watching its every piece getting destroyed right before me, and having no strength to reach out and take back even a single piece of them.

I’m done going through tests, and taking experiences. I want my life sorted out now. Today. Right this minute.

And I desperately want my innocent self back. I miss her. A lot. And despite all that, I truly wish I didn’t have to force a smile on my face around people because I’m not courageous enough to break down or let any of this out. I wish I had the ability to break down; maybe then I could have gotten the chance to collect my pieces, and pick myself up again.

Random post #2

Posted: April 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

Random post #2 goes out to my wonderful writing professor this semester, Yasmine Motawy.

Today, she taught me one of my most important life lessons that I never want to forget.

I’ve been struggling to come up with a good story for my writing assignment this semester, and when I couldn’t find anything interesting, I decided to go for a topic that I just felt would need to be addressed, without really being that into it. I had been working on it for almost a month, and had already written almost 16 pages when I finally decided to pay a visit to my professor’s office.

When I talked with her, things started taking an entirely different direction. Instead of discussing my story, she told me that if she were in my shoes, she wouldn’t really write about the topic I’d chosen, because I was obviously looking at it from the outside, and so it was not going to be something interesting to read. After losing my sleep for so many nights, trying to work the 16 pages out, she was asking me to throw them all away and change my whole topic.

Write about something you know well. There has to be something that you know better than everyone else.” She said. And it’s literally one of the best advices anyone has given me.

Yet still, I couldn’t find that one thing that I knew well enough to write an entire story about. I was certain that I was going to fail miserably. For the past month, I had already been leaving class every time with the feeling of “I will never be good enough“, because I read pieces by almost all my classmates, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to get myself to write something as good.

I felt bad for the fact that I had to start over with the story as the semester was almost ending. It was going to be the most stressful thing, I was sure. Yet when I gave myself the chance to actually sit down and think about everything that I know, I was able to come up with something which has been there the whole time, but which I had never even paid attention to, because I was too busy thinking about a topic that “PEOPLE” would want to read, instead of thinking about a topic that “I” would want to write about.

As soon as the idea popped up in my head, I emailed my professor and she replied, encouraging me to go for it. The ideas kept coming to my head all through the weekend, I couldn’t stop them, and when I actually began to write, I let down so much of what I would have never thought I was capable of. The words kept flowing, and I was so much looking forward to my next class, just to show my professor what I came up with.

Today, in class, I got the most remarkable constructive feedback from everyone who read my words, and I don’t remember leaving a class with all that amount of positive energy like today’s. I kept on talking and talking, even bonding with some new classmates that I hadn’t spoken with before, over my words, and for the first time in so long, I did not feel bad about speaking my thoughts out loud.

I can’t even count the number of things I’ve learned from this. But most importantly, I’ll always want to remember this:

  • I would have definitely been an unhappy person if I’d continued on with my previous topic. I had to get rid of it first, for my mind to know it had to come up with something better. Continuing on with something just because you’re stuck with it and can’t imagine starting again from scratch, is one of the ugliest things you can do to yourself.
  • Looking for that one thing that you know better than anyone else, looking for your unique edge, and making use of that in whatever aspect, is the solution for almost everything in life. And the best part about it is, everyone will always have their own different edge.
  • There is so much inside you that will never make its way out unless you push yourself so hard that it eventually has to spill. Push yourself. Push harder.
  • When it comes to something you really love, nothing will ever feel like a burden. Don’t get yourself into something unless you’re deeply in love with it.

الحمد لله على الأوقات الصعبة اللي دايما بيطلع منها حاجة حلوة فى الأخر.