Archive for October, 2015

DC – Day 46

Posted: October 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

I miss having someone in my life that I yearn to be with. Someone who’d make me look forward to being with them, someone whom I’d feel the urge to ask if we could get together sometime without sounding needy (or someone who’d actually make me feel comfortable about being needy). Someone who’d make my mind shift to them every time it’s trying to concentrate on something important and I’d keep trying to get it back to consciousness every now and then, with a smile involuntarily breaking through my face.

Everyone in my life currently feels no more than just a passerby. Maybe it’s because I’m in a foreign country, and I know it’s temporary and I’ll be back. But I don’t even feel that about my friends back home. People send me cute “we miss you” texts, and I reply back saying I do miss them too, because I do. I miss people, but in a different way. I miss them yet the feeling usually fades away after a short conversation on WhatsApp or a quick Skype call; I never feel the urge to physically be there with them. Even the one place that has been taking over my life for three years, the reason why I stayed in Egypt for an entire year when I could’ve taken a completely different direction instead, I no longer feel that attached to it. It’s not that I’m glad I’m not there, but I’m not not glad that I’m not there either. I’m very indifferent. There’s no one back there that I’m impatiently counting down the days to be with. People usually ask me if I’m homesick, and I always fail to find a better reply than a simple no. Does that make me a heartless human being? A bad friend?

Most of the people here are super friendly, but I’m rarely the one who texts first to ask if we can hang out. I thought it was because I wasn’t used to taking initiatives, but no, I very well know how to take initiatives when I really want to. Then I thought it was probably sensitive me not wanting to force myself in anyone’s life, but I still do say yes to every person who offers to take me out. I was advised by someone before coming here, to not stay on my own a lot, in order to enjoy my stay. I tried doing that for the first few weeks, but with time, I realized I actually feel way more comfortable in my own company.

People are always asking questions, mostly to keep conversations going. They put so much effort into trying to keep the silence out of conversations, when in fact it’s the only thing that does sound meaningful to me. I love having conversations with people, only when they’re effortlessly flowing. But the forced questions make me anxious. And the energy that people put into thinking about them, only happens to drain my own.

A few days ago I was having dinner with my neighbor and her friends, when they asked me what my favorite food is so far. It’s actually a little annoying how you’re “normally” expected to be into food to begin with. I haven’t even been to that many food outlets because food is not really on the list of things that interest me in life. But how do you even explain that to people without getting the usual “What?”, “How come?!”, “Food is my everything!”? Simple, you just don’t. So I took the easy way out and said I haven’t really been around that much, yet I chose to give my regular answer and said that pizza is generally my favorite (who doesn’t love pizza anyway?). You’d think the conversation would start taking another direction at this point, but no, the guy still chose to ask exactly what kind of pizza I prefer. Why? Seriously, my mind can’t really get this. What would anyone ever get from knowing someone else’s favorite kind of pizza? Why is this someone you’d want to discuss with someone you’re meeting for the very first time? Now I’m not trying to be rude or anything, I truly appreciate all their effort into making this dinner a little less awkward for me since it was the first time for me to meet them. But there are so many other things I’d really want to discuss with people other than my favorite kind of pizza. And I don’t know what those are things are, really. Because I get the “Like what?” questions a lot when I start ranting about this. I can’t really think of them because they just happen to flow when you get comfortable around people. And I rarely cross paths with those.

Other than that, the ones who do put some effort into knowing you on a personal level, as opposed to the pizza level, are rarely people you’d want to hang out with. There was this other time when I was having dinner with two Arab girls, when we started talking about our professors who happens to have been to so many countries we’ve never even heard about, and who’s so into what she’s doing. I wanted to talk about how inspiring she is, when they started talking about how they’ve noticed that she’s not wearing a ring in her finger, and that a person like her would probably never be married. I’ll never even be able to put into words how much I hate those kinds of conversations. I still can’t grasp though that this is the first thing you notice about someone who’s as inspiring as this woman is. The conversation started shifting towards marriage and how they think I’m weird for not minding giving it up if it ever got in the way of my success. That’s the least thing they find weird about me to be honest. Our hangouts are usually either me trying to stay silent about the judgmental opinions I hear or trying to make sense of the messed up Arab mentality. At least they don’t ask me questions after all, I should be thankful.

There’s just so much that annoys me about people that I can forever keep listing, but the one thing I still can’t make sense of is how easily I tend to let go of people just so I wouldn’t go through the pain of getting attached. My roommate is the sweetest person I would have wished to share rooms with, and she’s put so much effort into getting to know the real me. Yet still, I’ve somehow managed to push her away to the point where she’s almost starting to give up on me, and my mind is trying to make me feel good about it because, what if I get attached and always want to have her in my room then? And instead of being grateful that someone’s keeping me company while I’m away from home, I do mental happy dances every time I know she’s sleeping over somewhere else. And it does feel good, I can’t deny.

So, yeah, I basically either push people away or never feel comfortable around them, and that’s just that. I don’t even resort to being on my own because I don’t have any other option, nope, I just really enjoy being on my own. I rarely misunderstand myself, because I don’t have to let words out and then realize it’s not really what I meant; I just let the thoughts flow inside. I never get enough of the stuff I can do by myself; write, read, color, listen to music, (sometimes study!), think, observe, even stare at the ceiling in silence. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with someone to discuss a piece one of us has written, or a book we’ve decided to write together, or just sit there and talk about the things that keep us up at night. I do that with myself, and even more.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you feel like you need to have someone in your life that you’d always look forward to see, or to just be around. Sometimes the independence isn’t enough, and you feel like something is missing, but you don’t really know what it is. Sometimes you long to that feeling of walking beside someone who understands, knowing that you share this secret special bond that no one can even notice. A bond that makes everything a little warmer, or just a little bit easier to endure. Only sometimes.