Archive for July, 2015

Always :)

Posted: July 18, 2015 in Uncategorized

Sometimes I wish I had a way to know exactly where I stand with God. If my sins outweigh my good deeds, or vice versa. (Or how much are they?) If the prayers I pray without feeling much of a connection with Him are even valid. If spending the rest of my life praying could make up for a tiny portion of the prayers I’ve missed or never really properly performed. If any of the nights we stayed up for were really Laylat Elqadr for certain, and if God even accepted our deeds that night. Sometimes I wish that at the end of each day, I’d know if I’ve made Him proud or upset. Sometimes I wish I understood His silence more.

Sometimes I wonder while reading the Qur’an, since we know there’s a reward for reading each letter, and since He can multiply them the way He wants, wouldn’t reading the Qur’an kind of make up for our entire lifetime sins? Why do we tend to leave it aside most of the time then? Sometimes I slow down while reading the Qur’an, because I wonder if the angels are able to catch up and calculate all those letters and their rewards, or if I’m going too fast and losing some of them midway.

Sometimes I panic when the Imam prays that God would convert all our sins, or just erase them as if they never were. I stand there and wonder if I should really say Ameen, when I know I don’t deserve it. When I know I’d be doing way more sins right after I finish praying. Sometimes it feels huge to ask Him for something like that. Sometimes the thought that He can really do that if I sincerely ask Him for it makes me want to cry, because sometimes I’m never that forgiving myself.

Sometimes I wonder if the things I take for granted are still being rewarded. If being at family gatherings still counts even when they’re just rituals. If wearing my scarf every morning still counts even though Hijab has somehow grown on me, and seems a little effortless with the years. If smiling to strangers makes God happy even though I unconsciously do it sometimes because it’s a personal favorite. If going to the supermarket for my mom still counts even when I keep waiting for her to cancel plans with my every step towards the door. Sometimes I wish I had better intentions myself after all.

But then again, sometimes I feel good about all this. Because realizing I’m on the safe side of heaven will never get me moving. Because reading verses about hell would never touch me hard if I knew there’s no possibility of me being there. Because seeing the rewards of reading my Qur’an would in fact make it hard to let the book down any second of my day, but not fully knowing about the reward yet willingly making sure it always has its place in my day surely does feel different.

Because no matter what we do, He never stops giving second chances anyway. Because He always speaks about multiplying the good deeds, even rewarding us solely for our intentions, yet He hardly mentions multiplying our sins or even punishing us for our bad intentions. Because He literally is the most Merciful. Because He still gives us more chances with the blessing that is Ramadan. Because for all the prayers we might not be able to make up for, a single prayer in Mecca constitutes a thousand prayer, yet all we have to do is sincerely pray that we’d one day deserve being there.

Because He allows us to freely wonder about His Mercy, when it never stops showing every single day.

Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. Yet with Him, sometimes is always.