A new helplessness

Posted: June 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

It just sucks when you know you have so much inside that you can give to something, while everything about it continues to push you away – every single day. It develops some kind of helplessness, that’s worse than solely not being able to help, because you know then that it’s all within you, you’re so full of it, and yet you’re not given the opportunity to do anything about it at all. It paralyzes you. And instead of allowing you to save up the energy for something else, it makes you start doubting that energy’s existence in the first place. Did you really have anything to give to begin with? Were you capable of anything anyway? And there’s nothing worse than having your doubts controlling your life, for it then gets harder to push them away.

You eventually decide to stay away. Maybe not feeling anything for a while would make things better. But the truth is, it never actually does. Especially when it’s something that’s hardly wanting to change. You continue watching from a distance and you mentally prepare all those pretty plans to initiate that change, but then you get too involved in the process before realizing you’re on the edge of being pushed away over again. And still, you proceed. But instead of being pushed away this time, you’re implicitly forced to push yourself away on your own, and that hurts even more. You won’t only have to push yourself from it, but you’ll eventually notice how you’re pushing yourself away from everything in the world, even your own self. And the road of getting back seems to have never been traveled before.

That’s the problem with loving something so much more than you should, and giving it way more attention than it originally needs. That’s what you get for adding a wrong priority to your list. But the worst part about that is, you never happen to understand any of it unless you pass through it all. You’ll never learn until you’ve tried, and then you’ll hardly find any balance between not knowing and never learning, or knowing and havering to suffer to learn. It will all drain your energy away anyway. Yet still, there’s a reason behind everything that happens to you through the whole process, and that’s probably the only thing that you’ll be able to cling on to. And never let go.

Does that even make any sense at all?

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