It hurts because it only makes sense inside my head!

Posted: June 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

Why don’t I voice my thoughts, you ask? Why is it that the things you know I have in mind never come to life whenever I’m around people, you wonder? Well, I’ve been asking and wondering too, until I tried to write them all down, and felt absolutely amazed then at how they came out as smoothly and as comfortably as anyone else naturally speaks. That’s when I knew I’ve found myself.

I’ve found myself in words. Written ones. Plenty of those. I couldn’t be any happier, finally knowing how I can let my thoughts out. But then I’ve started writing more, and eventually talking less, until the struggle between my spoken words and my written words emerged and started tearing me apart.

Because when I’m out of words and I read some of the things I’ve written down months ago, words automatically start formulating themselves inside my head, stimulating more thoughts. But that never happens when I hear myself speak, or watch an old video of myself speaking in front of a crowd or even just to myself. It only paralyzes me, thinking about what I could have changed about the way I’ve said those words. It amazes me that even though I constantly feel like editing my written words after reading them, it still doesn’t bother me as much as wanting to edit my spoken words. For one reason maybe and that is how written words tend to carry parts of me within their every letter. When I reread my words, I could easily feel as if I’m back to the time when I first wrote them, and to who I was when I did, but rarely does it happen with spoken ones.

Because when I struggle with spoken words, the silence kills me. Not because I can’t find words to say, but because I know I have them all inside but they just can’t seem to find the right channel to pass through. But when I struggle with written words, it’s rarely ever because I can’t find the right words; there are always some words that can come out and heal my insides, even if they don’t perfectly describe what’s happening in there. Because I know that when I struggle with my written words, it’s almost always because my thoughts are already tangled, and they need someone to figure them out. But struggling with spoken words always seems much harder, because no matter how settled my thoughts are, and no matter how much I’ve figured out what’s going inside, the words are never connected to my thoughts, no matter how hard I try. Because struggling with my voice hurts more than struggling with a pencil touching a paper, or a finger hovering over a letter on the keyboard.

Because when I have an interesting conversation with someone, I can always go back to the words and reread them if we’ve been texting, but spoken conversations usually fade away with time. Even though rereading old conversations hurts sometimes, but having those memories can always remind me of the good parts of certain relationships, that might get blown away when spoken conversations move to the back of my head and can no longer be remembered.

Listen to the words inside my head, and you’ll never want anything more than to fix the part that connects what happens inside with what’s allowed outside.

When you read my words and describe how amazed you are because I don’t seem like this same person in real life, it makes me happy that at least I could let parts of myself out some way, but it still hurts because written words can have a devastating effect on whoever finds comfort in them. It hurts because it makes you realize you’re forever going to be stuck behind a screen, or inside a notebook. It hurts because you know there’s so much inside you that wants to get out, but it’s all limited to written words at the end. It hurts because you’ll suffer when your mind starts getting used to processing words only this way.

It hurts because it deliberately turns you into a person who speaks less than they originally want to, because every time you think about something and have a strong desire to let it out, you find yourself choosing not to say anything at all because no matter what comes out, it would never sound like how it does when you say it inside your own head. It hurts because you start carrying so much inside you that you wish you could have said, and the choice keeps getting harder between saying them and having to forever endure the want-to-edit part of your brain, or not saying them and having to live with the mess in your mind for not allowing the words out when they really wanted to be told.

It hurts because whenever you feel any strong emotion inside you towards any human being, all you can do is write it down. You’ll hardly ever be able to call someone in the middle of the night and wake them up just to tell them how much you love them, need them, or miss them. All you can do then would be writing them a message and hoping that they’d see it first thing in the morning. You’ll hardly ever know how to reply to compliments in real life. You’ll hardly ever know how to tell someone how you feel about them unless you’re writing it down, and then you’ll have to hope that this person likes to read after all.

It hurts because when someone points right at you in the middle of a lecture or a talk just to ask you a question, they don’t understand that you need a couple of minutes to process the words inside your head and write them down just to be able to convey the answer correctly. It hurts because you’ll always have to answer right away and then you’ll spend the rest of the week, if not the entire month, listening to the words that slipped out of your mouth over and over again inside your head, replaying them every time they seem to fade away and wishing so bad you could just go back in time and edit what you said to match what you thought.

It hurts so bad because it only makes sense inside my own head, and I can’t for the life of me have it making sense anywhere outside.

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