Another untitled… blabbering (?)

Posted: December 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’ve always thought it was okay to keep staring at a blank page for as long as it takes to finally form the first sentence of a piece that will get the words flowing, until I realized that pages do stare back as well. And I don’t exactly know why I minded that. I’ve just realized that this blank page had been staring right back at me all along, as I struggled with the words, and I couldn’t let a single word out after noticing that. I’m not sure if it was because I was enjoying the eye contact that I didn’t want to break it, or if it was irritating enough for me that I couldn’t handle writing anything until one of us would just look away.

I looked away.

And I just don’t know why I’m mentioning this. There’s no point, really.

So, just like always, whenever the words fail to come out, I shift to reading other people’s words. Today, I’ve stumbled upon many writings that had so many ‘I’s all over them, and it kind of made me upset. I wished I could write about myself the way some of those people had written about their own selves.

As incomprehensible as it might sound, I actually sometimes wish I knew myself well enough to notice my details, the imperfect ones, and courageously point them all out. But instead, I continue reading the words that other people write about themselves and find myself relating to almost each and every one of them, not knowing which of them is truly the person inside me. I wish I didn’t have to struggle with the words whenever I was asked to talk about myself. Because I magically find myself filling up hundreds of pages when I begin to write about others, dropping down the tiniest details that could hardly be noticed– but never with myself. I wish I didn’t only have to shout out “me too” when I realize someone’s turning out to be the exact same version of me, because I would’ve most probably never noticed it was true about me if they hadn’t pointed it out in the first place. I wish I knew who I really am. And most of all, I wish this made any sense.

You know how you could sometimes go out of your way to do things you normally wouldn’t do, just because the circumstances pushed you to? It’s been happening to me for so long, that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to get back to my own way again.

Sometimes I think I’ve lost myself in the process of trying to keep things stable. But maybe I did lose myself on purpose, because the person I am turned out to be so much worse than the person I had been given the opportunity to lose myself into. Maybe I do know myself well enough that I find it easier to pretend I’m someone else rather than having to face myself with what’s truly inside.

But then again, maybe it’s only that some people were meant to write, for others to relate to them. Maybe not being able to write about certain sides of one’s self isn’t so much of a problem. And maybe it’s only what I can convince myself with.

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Comments
  1. Andria says:

    Hi Basma, I just wanted to let you know that I liked your post. I like to think that I am a person who is somewhat in tune with myself, yet for every good post about the inside of anybody, I usually find something that I can really relate to, something I hadn’t thought of myself. Anyway, congrats on getting this whole thing typed up despite that glaring screen! I think maybe you have more to add to the world than you think. 🙂

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